So lately, Capstone has really been dragging for me. Finding the drive to write--and write something engaging and fresh--feels like trying to walk when still coming out of anesthesia. If you've never felt that, basically, you don't walk at all. You can't really feel what's beneath you, and you have to watch your legs to make sure you're actually standing. There seems to be an air bubble in your skull instead of your brain, and all sounds seem to echo hollowly.
I think I need to get my hands on some decent fiction. But in the mean time, I took a cursory glance over Anne Lamott's book Bird by Bird and came across a chapter entitled "Perfectionism." I know that this is a problem of mine, especially after reading the first couple sentences (please excuse the possibly offensive word, though by now maybe we're all used to them).
Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft.... Besides, perfectionism will ruin your writing, blocking inventiveness and playfulness and life force.... Perfectionism means that you try desperately not to leave so much mess to clean up. But clutter and mess show us that life is being lived.
I had never thought before that I could be the cause of my own writer's block. I do like my first drafts to be as neat as possible, the stiff, polished child who sits in her chair with her little white dress, each lock of hair a perfect ringlet, to be presented to my editing side. Sure, she might whine a little, but if she doesn't behave well enough, she won't even be written. I think I need to learn to be okay with writing drafts that run rampant through the house (or the world) with torn jeans, or no pants at all, screaming and rubbing muddy fingers all over their faces. Then, if I can't catch them, at least I'd know that I tried, but that I don't have to regret their existence. Besides, according to Lamott, mess is a sign of life being lived.
Am I the only one who has problems with this? Does anyone else have problems accepting messy drafts? What about just plain messy ideas, ones that might like, but don't want to massage enough to turn into a draft? Do you think of free writing like this: just a chance to let out something messy, somewhat-good or terribly-mangled?
I am amused by your rough drafts running around without pants on. I was reminded of Bird by Bird today and it was a comfort. Sometimes you just have to get all the poop out of your system before you can write anything remotely good. This is why we write drafts. I also think this fits in with chapel today, about we need to trust God for his grace. There's grace for me writing bad drafts. I should write them. If I don't write them, all of my writing will be bad.
ReplyDeleteOh, the ever-present problem of perfectionism. I constantly find myself in a type of Catch-22: I'm fine with letting my drafts me messy as long as I know no one will ever read it until I make it better and give it to them. On the other hand, if I'm writing drafts that I know will go to my peers and professors before they've been neatened up, I'm less likely to let things go wild. The big problem with this is that the wild drafts suffer because they're never critiqued by anyone other than me; more often than not, I get sick of them and they end up withering in the corner. And those prettier drafts that do get critiqued and see the light of day are lacking something at the outset, something (liveliness, perhaps?) that I have to work twice as hard to put back in during later revisions.
ReplyDeleteThis has definitely been one of my problems that I've had to confront in capstone this semester. It's like choosing between safe or being crazy, without knowing if it's going to be a good crazy or a bad crazy. I'm especially a perfectionist when it comes to writing groups because I'm so bent on making a good impression on everyone, and when you take risks they're always, well, risks. But what I've found is that sometimes you've just got to get it out, and maybe you'll find a lump of attitude for your writing that really brings it to life.
ReplyDeleteI hate messy *anything*, so a messy draft is a hard thing for me to accept (though it has definitely happened!). I think I work best when I decide just to pre-write and let it be messy (because no one's going to see it anyway) and then use that mess to jump start a cleaner, more organized true draft. It is so easy to become your own worst enemy when writing!
ReplyDeleteOh yea. Messy drafts can ruin a whole day. But mangled can be good. It takes a fine comb of patience to go through it. I've learned that if I really hate what I have written it's probably super insincere and not myself. It takes a lot for me to admit that I need to read stylistically according to my weakness so that I can somewhat make a coherent story. Capstone is so difficult because you have to be in tune with yourself... and how often do we avoid that?
ReplyDeleteI feel like in life, it's difficult to like messy things. But I've been noticing themes in life lately. Mainly that the best things in life often come out of the most painful experiences. I had always known this but I realized it more fully when I was exercising the other day and it just HURT. I think it's the same with rough drafts...gotta start somewhere. And beautiful things come out of dust. Just like when God created the earth. That must be why everything has this common theme - creation is simply reflecting the image of how the Lord made it. Messy => painful stretch => beauty. Hang in there, won't always be this season/draft/mile.
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail completely on the head. Perfectionism is probably my biggest problem when writing. No, I'm not willing to write a messy draft. It has to be as perfect as it can be, which is why it's so hard for me to turn it over for critiques. I know it's not perfect, but I want it to be on my first try. Ha, now the hard part is figuring out how to let go and just write whatever comes. No inner editer. Goodness, I need to learn how to shut it up.
ReplyDeleteSo no, you are not the only one. You'll make it. Somehow everything turns out alright. It's the getting there that's the hard part.
My perfectionism used to keep me paralyzed from doing any creative writing at all--I would want to get it right the first time, only it never comes that easily. When I learned to revise and learned to give myself to write yucky stuff the first time around, things got easier. Speaking of Anne Lamott, did her chapter on bad drafts help you? I was encouraged by it.
ReplyDeleteI don't like messy drafts either. I like to spend hours at a time working on something until it is pretty good, or at least, until it makes sense. I think the problem with capstone for me has been not having several hours a time to set aside and really work on something. I deal with perfectionism too; that's probably why I haven't finished a lot of stories in my life! A good way to just get WRITING and not care what it looks like is to do NaNoWriMo! Look it up, it's quite fun, lasts a month in November.
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