I threw my previous ideas for this post out the window. I have to tell you what this memoir is doing to me.
Haphazardly I have been writing about a lot of characters around me without writing about myself. Why? I have a hard time with thinking that my story can be written by my hand. I have this fear that my recall will completely break a true moment.
I want to write about my parent's divorce two years ago. I want to do it justice, but the experience is so laced in shadows that I know it's going to be walking through the fire to get there. It has been enough time and I am through with the sympathy and apologies and identity of it. I'm just Monica. And Monica wants to do this thing justice.
Memories and memoirs. They have a mind of their own. I am in the middle of writing a story about my three favorite children in the entire world, and yet in cohort we found the first draft to be strangely sad. The would - be happy details are laced with the same shadows that I recognize well. Turns out, I was with these children the summer of the thickening of the battle at home. The children are light and full of hope and love, and they were healing to me. The deep, intense love that I have for them is intensified by my circumstances away from them. It was subtle yet not clear. I didn't even know I was doing that. In critiquing my first draft, I found my divorce story. All I have to do is include what was actually happening in my life, include the incredible summer with the children, and the story has meaning.
If you are writing memoir and are extremely uncomfortable with it, you probably aren't writing from your heart. Because your heart knows you, and you are the main character. So look between the lines of your drafts and find what you are missing by putting yourself in it. The story may be writing itself and you're just missing it. Dare to commit to your story. It is just plain tough to revisit something that shaped you and then turn around and portray it in a satisfying way. But it's YOUR memory, and it's YOUR memoir.
Hougen says that if you haven't been moved to tears at least once while delving into your memoir, you probably did not dig deep enough. Hougen says that this process of writing is framing a memory and making it into a piece of art. It may be very painful but I am so ready to "frame" this part of my life. God is springing hope in me that this is a way of finding rest for my soul.
What has been happening in your memoirs?
The first draft of my memoir-type piece stayed too much on the surface. Your words and example encourage to sink deeper in. i'm guessing it will take some time, and some words, maybe even some "bad" writing, but i think i need to let go more and just let the memory/reflection churn my writing, like the ocean does to a man on a little raft.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharin.
I'm not exactly doing a memoir, but I am working on a personal essay, and I think I really needed to hear this. I am trying to delve deeper than normal, but I think it's more the way that I grew up that makes me not want to reveal too much about myself, as if I might need help. Which I'll admit that I do.
ReplyDeleteIt has been painful to have to relive some of the things I'm working on, namely my first reactions to the earthquake in Japan and then being stuck there for a few extra days while the airports were shut down. I really just have to put myself back in the story, and I think I am really hesitant--if not resistant--to that idea, even though I really want this story to be told.
Thanks for the post, Monica! And awesome way to stay true to the story. Keep pushing through it.
In the past, I haven't had too much of a struggle with my personal essays. But with the one I'm working on for capstone, this is not the case. My past memoirs have all been relatively focused compared to the monstrous beast I'm trying to tame right now. (He spans a time period of ten years, encompasses large ideas I'm not sure I have a grasp on even now, and is found only subtly in a few scenes of my life. Also, he has giant spikes and wings and breathes fire.)
ReplyDeleteIn light of my current struggle, I really appreciate what you said about writing what was happening in your life; then the story will have meaning. I've been trying to sort out all these ideas without ever thinking about how they were actually playing out in my life over the years because this essay is so much larger than anything else I've tried to express. Thanks for the encouragement to get down to the nitty gritty truth, even when it's hard.
Nice post, Monica! Though I'm not writing a memoir or personal essay for capstone, you really brought a lot of the hard parts to light. I find it especially interesting that you were writing about everyone and everything about you but not about yourself. It's so hard for you to write about yourself objectively, especially in something that affected yourself so much emotionally. I really admire your tackling this!
ReplyDeleteI know that in past personal essays/memoirs, I've often had a lot of the same problem with delving in deep enough and getting into the emotions. It's ridiculously hard for me, especially if it's a problem that I'm still dealing with. But when it is done, and done well, it can be beautiful!
I'm so happy you're doing this, Mon Mon. Even if you don't end up liking the writing, the process will be worth it. I know there are places in my memoirs too where I should be moved to tears, but I haven't gone to that deep place yet. Hougen reads them and notices these moments when I say something potent and then just walk away from it. I'm telling my audience, "And wouldn't YOU like to know? Ha. Well ya can't." That's really not an effective memoir, even if it's how I really feel.
ReplyDeleteMon Mon! Ha! Sorry, just had to comment on that.
DeleteTwo things you said that stood out to me: 1) "Haphazardly I have been writing about a lot of characters around me without writing about myself. And 2) "If you haven't been moved to tears at least once while delving into your memoir, you probably did not dig deep enough."
ReplyDeleteI've been having a hard time writing about myself in my memoir too. I didn't realize that I didn't incorporate myself into my writing very much until a few other people pointed it out to me. Sometimes it's easier to have distance, but then it's not as good for other people to read because they do not see US. As far as being moved to tears... that hasn't happened to me yet. Maybe it's the subjects I'm writing about, or the fact that there is too much distance now between what happened then and where I am now. Not sure.
Isn't it crazy how what you write really can, as you said, "write itself." Sometimes what you set out to create and what actually ends up happening are two totally different things. Although I'm not writing anything memoir-ish for capstone, it's almost freeing to be reminded that our original plans don't have to be a part of our final drafts.
ReplyDeleteWow, Monica. That's really cool. Thank you for writing this. I'm not writing a memoir for my project, but I wrote a memoir awhile ago for autobiographical writing class. That was really hard, and it really tested my ability to dig deep. The class wasn't that long, so I don't think I ever got to experience what you do. But, man, that sounds awesome.
ReplyDeleteI do sometimes encounter this type of thing with fiction writing, though. I'll be writing and writing, trying to make the plot and the characters fit together, and suddenly, the characters will reveal a crucial element of their life that I was completely missing before. It just takes digging. That may be tedious, but it's totally worth it in the end!
I would like to interject that I don't think the moved to tears thing is a rule at all. But when I'm writing deeply and truly, I sometimes can sense this deep movement of feeling inside of me, and everything feels heightened and transcendent, and it is akin to tears in some strange way. Anyway, Monica, I am proud of you for taking brave steps with your writing--and sharing that with all of us.
ReplyDeleteThis was really helpful for me Monica.
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate you putting your heart out there and just being honest about your process of writing this and what your process looks like now. I really appreciate this as I'm finishing up my memoir tonight and tomorrow evening. I think the topic I'm writing on may have grounds for tears but I don't know if I was willing to go there before I read your thoughts on this. So thanks for being so brave and willing to go deep.
I'm excited to read your piece - sounds like it will have some beautiful depth to it.
While I don't remember whether or not they each ever actually moved me to tears, I know that memoirs that I have written don't feel right until I've dug deeper and looked to see what they really are about. Just like your story about the kids turned out to be about the divorce, I had my memoirs that I thought were about one issue pull another issue into them before they were really what they were supposed to be. Writing memoir is certainly a time of finding things out about yourself and your life that you hadn't realized or put together before. I'm excited to see how how your story turns out. :)
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