My first two pieces for capstone were straight up memoir. I had thought about writing a third memoir piece, just to stay with the flow of things. I've had some crazy dreams at night throughout my life, so I thought this might make for a good topic. I was told by a psychology professor and by professor Hougen that dreams might be a tricky undertaking, so I put it on the shelf for a while. This left me feeling bankrupt of an inspired idea. I'm sure you can relate, especially at this point of capstone, that it is really difficult to write without inspiration.
I was listening to a John Piper sermon during break. He said some comment about Thomas that I barely remember, but it caught me off guard. I started thinking about how Thomas is always referred to as the "doubting" apostle, but I think his doubt has so much more meat to it than we give him credit. Yeah, Jesus said it's better believe without seeing, but think about it for a minute. Thomas put his whole life in Jesus' hands and loved him deeply. Then he watched all of his hope be crucified. This is depressing. Why would he risk hoping again? So that's what I wrote about.
For a model, I started reading Telling the Truth: The Gospel as Tragedy, Comedy & Fairy Tale, by Frederick Buechner, and it is so great! When I originally wrote the piece, it was for my blog and very straight forward, but I thought maybe I should dabble with pesher and midrash and see if that fit. Here are some great words from Beuchner about Pilate and his question "What is truth?":
"He is Pontius Pilate, of course. He is the procurator of Judea. On the day that he asks his famous question, there are other things too that he has seen and done. He makes his first major decision before he has even has his breakfast. While still in his pajamas, he walks downstairs to the bar closet where he keeps extra cigarettes, takes the two and a half cartons that he finds there and puts them out with the trash. There is the remains of a pack in the pocket of his dinner jacket and some loose ones lying around the house in various cigarette boxes. All of these he carefully destroys, slitting them open with his thumbnail and flushing the tobacco down the toilet. After dinner the evening before, the talk turned to politics, and he was up for hours, talking and smoking, so that when he awoke, his tongue felt hot and dry, his whole chest raw inside like a wound. He knows about the surgeon general's warning. He has seen the usual photographs of a smoker's lungs. He has been a three-pack-a-day man for better or worse than thirty years so his prebreakfast decision is a decision for life against death, and he sees it as his death that he slits open with his thumbnail and flushes away."
Beuchner gives me a lot to live up to. I hate most of my first draft and want to cut out huge chunks. When writing, it's like there is so much that we throw up out there on the surface and then we have to cut away over and over to get to the nitty gritty to offer the audience a microscopic pearl. It's going to take me some serious time. It doesn't matter if my hours are complete for capstone. What matters is whether or not I actually cultivate something of quality. And truth be told, that's probably going to take longer than any of us have got this quad. But it's all about the journey, right?
Elsie, I like what you had to say about inspiration, and the Buechner quote was an especially neat thing for me. It can get really hard to keep writing every week and make any piece truly great. And sometimes the revising is even harder than the actual writing in that you've already given something a try, but it wasn't good enough, and now you need to be actively better than when you wrote it at first. But one of the nice things about the time that we do have in Capstone is that there's a lot of room for experimenting, for taking a project in a totally different direction than before and seeing where it wants to go. Since I'm writing all poetry for my project, that's probably easier to dramatically change than a memoir or short story, but I think some of the same principles apply. It's hard, but what comes out of it is truly beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely with you when you say that at this point in capstone, inspiration and imagination are sparse. I admire you for trying your hand at midrash, though! The idea has always intrigued me, mostly because it forces me to think of the Bible as story instead of straightforward instruction. But I'm so afraid of "screwing up" God's word that I steer far away from it. It's scary.
ReplyDeleteBut in another sense, I think it has the potential to be some of the most beautiful writing. To take inspired Word and develop it must be thrilling. I can't even imagine all that you could learn along the way.
I love to hear where other people draw their ideas and inspiration from, especially as we get closer and closer to the end of an imagination-sucking, inspiration-killing process. (At least, it seems that way for me anyway). It's also hard to forget that quest for quality throughout the process. It's so easy to just say it's "good enough" and move on. But I think we all know that no matter how hard we strive, there will still be more that could be done, so part of the journey has to be just enjoying the process of bettering what was.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. I feel like it will take longer than the hours we have this quad to write anything of real quality, or lasting value that I'd want to hold on to a little longer. It takes so much focused energy and drive to say what I really want to say, to remember my emotions back then and get to the HEART of what is happening, and why is it significant? What's it all for? That's the challenge of the thing. But we can do it.
ReplyDeleteThat is... we can do it eventually. Maybe not this quad. :)
DeleteWhat do you mean by midrash and pesher in this context? I know I've discussed them in classes, but I could use a refresher. :)
ReplyDeleteDo you think you'll go back to the idea of writing about dreams ever? I've set aside many an inspired idea because it isn't appropriate for capstone, but part of me thinks that the things we WANT to write, whether they are hard or not in the boundaries or whatever, are the things we SHOULD write, so we remember why we are writing at all.
Finally, I appreciate that you are valuing the quality of what you produce over the quantity of hours put into it. I feel it, too--this is more than an assignment to get through and graduate; this is learning to do our best at something we're dedicated enough to to have come this far. Keep up the good work!
Oh yes, I am so with you on this one. Currently sitting and eating meat and spaghetti sauce with water (a poor college student's meal) and trying to think up a memoir topic. Once I have the idea, I can take off with it, but it's coming to something of deep worth with a little bit of tension soaked up inside that makes this difficult.
ReplyDeleteI like your allusion to the pearl. Must be another one of those things that is connected with the rest of life: the best things take time. When I think of time in the Bible, the main thing that comes to mind are all the verses that say "Wait." But I wonder if there's more to time than that. Then again, the first commandment of loving is patience. Maybe there's something beautiful in the waiting. I mean, I know there is. I just can't articulate it right now...it's hard when you're in the midst of it.
Anyways, hang in there. Press on sister.
Dreams. Yup, I tried that too. Not so successful. Why do you think we want to write about them? I think we want to because we can liven them up and give them whatever color we please. Actual memories are completely intimidating!
ReplyDeleteHaving actually read your draft, dear friend, I enjoyed seeing your inside thoughts as to how it took shape. I believe that your portrayal of Thomas grips into your understanding of hope, and it is a beautiful process you are working through. It will come out. It already is quite fantastic! Bottom line - be encouraged.
Thank you for the reminder that this is more than a class and its about more than the hours. Quality is hard to find when time is as sparse as web college kids understand. Write something that you're proud of :)