It's interesting how in life we have all these expectations for ourselves when we start something new. I realize this is a general statement, but at the moment it applies to my spring break. I went in expecting to spent a ton of time reading and re-writing old drafts and, of course, writing new ones.
But then I worked two jobs, did homework for other classes, and went out of town for half of the week. And in the midst of all of that going on, every time I sat down to write or edit, I got angry at the document.
I got angry because my expectations were holding me back. I expected spring break to be freeing, to inspire me, and to validate me as a writer. I thought I would be finally good at this since I made it halfway through. It took me a few moments to see that perhaps I had set my goals too high. Perhaps I had elevated Capstone into such a "grown-up" thing that it was hard for me to see it as something that I could use for my journey instead of an unrealistic goal that I realized I could never achieve.
Last night I gave up on Capstone reading and went to Barnes & Noble to look at magazines for my new class. I was distracted by Writer's Digest, which contained an article about writing memoir. Thinking this applied for my life much more desperately than finding a magazine to write for, I delved in to the main things in memoirs and how to write one in the best way. These included plot, theme, character, setting, and dialogue. It was theme that stuck out to me, since this is what I've been striving for in my writing (especially my personal essays/memoirs about Italy).
"We are shaped by what we decide to do with the circumstances of our lives," rather than the circumstances themselves. It hit my like a slap of that winter-wind out there right now. The article went on: find out how you've grown, changed, acted and reacted to what you've been through, figure out what it looks like in hindsight from your perspective now, and how will you continue to change because of this? What is the thread of your life?
It occurred to me that I've been trying too hard. I've been trying to be something I'm not, write about something I'm not, and go about it in a something-I'm-not way. I need to think more about how it fits into my life now, and maybe how even Capstone will fit into my life as an experience I will never forget.
Are any of you feeling this way? That perhaps there is more to these Capstone pieces than golden words on silver platters? That maybe our pieces will be dirty and messy just like our lives, but that's okay?
Amen! This is such a struggle in my writing life, and life in general. It reminds me of a Jane Eyre scene, when she comments that she could never be satisfied with her paintings, no matter how many complements she received, because she alone knew the vision in her head that spurred their creation, and she knew that the paintings never measured up.
ReplyDeleteArtists are visionaries, and words can only do so much. I struggle so much with accepting the limitations of words, and myself as a writer, yet still believing in the powerful potential of what I'm doing. It helps me to remember that the most inspirational literature to me was probably faulty to the author--they could see the gaps between what they wrote and wanted to capture, but we as readers don't.
Ultimately, too, I think what is most important is the heart behind what you are saying--the message, the passion, the depth. Artistic excellence is always a worthy goal that we should strive toward, but perfection isn't necessary. As a Christian, it is also so comforting to me to remember that God can use imperfect vessels.
Also, it's a process. We haven't arrived. And there's value to the journey, like you're saying, not just the destination (whatever that is).
As I'm writing these things to you, I'm also writing them to myself. Thank you for being honest. It's always encouraging to me to remember that I'm not the only one.
I’m not exactly sure if I ever viewed this as a “silver platter” sort of thing—for one, I graduate next fall (even though I don’t have any more writing classes after this semester), and for another, none of what I’m writing for this class is what I’d chose to write if I went into writing as a career. But one of the things I have learned from extracurricular writing is that you have to give yourself permission to be messy with first drafts, and many of the ones afterwards. That’s one reason I try to complete NaNoWriMo each year—because the focus is on actually doing the work, not the quality of what comes out. Afterwards I can edit….but I don’t have that advantage with capstone and other classes, I just have to write and edit over a much shorter time span. On one hand, it’s helpful to have outside deadlines, but on the other, self-imposed deadlines can be more realistic because you don’t have to show the work to anyone until you feel ready.
ReplyDeleteSarah, you're not alone! I struggle with these same issues. I can totally relate to your frustration about not getting anything done over break - I too had lofty ideas about what I was going to do Capstone-wise, and what did I actually get done? Absolutely nothing. Ha. I don't know about you, but I always seem to have this idea in my head that I'll be able to focus on my writing "when I have time" - weekends, breaks, summer. And then those times come along, and even on the rare occasions I do attempt some hard work, I end up with almost nothing to show for it. I think that's partly because I really do need a break - but largely because, as you put it, my expectations are too high. It's almost becoming dangerous for me to set aside times for writing - not only does it put too much pressure on that designated time, but it also promotes procrastination! I think it's important for us all to take the inspiration as it comes, so to speak, and to recognize that, as Anne Lamott says, shitty first drafts really are okay (and, let's face it, inevitable).
ReplyDeleteYeah, Sarah. I am getting to this a bit late, but I totally know what you are talking about. Writers tend to get a strange disease that presents much like a New Year's Resolution, except all the time. 'This week I'll do better' 'In a couple days I'll finally have a pair of fresh eyes for the piece.' And then we come back, and the piece is just as frustrating as it was a few days ago, and we are discouraged. I also had a hard time getting off of the ground during spring break. When I am at home, I just want to pal around with my brothers the whole time, and it is hard to really find to put my nose to the grinding stone.
ReplyDeleteI suppose that there can be beauty in a messy piece. I have never thought about it that way. I have had very few pieces that I really felt exemplified my best work, and when ever I do have one like that, I am very excited. That excitement is one of the things that I really live for as a writer.